May 27, 2024


Science It Works

Don’t Want the Vax? Then Forfeit Medical Care

Here’s an idea. Don’t want the vaccine? Because TFG (The Former Guy) said COVID-19 is a hoax, even though he jumped the line for the vax and absorbed it quicker than a rail of granulated Adderall up his dumb orange nose? Or because you think the vaccine is in some way a better means by which the government can track your words and deeds than your smartphone? Or because you clearly didn’t take elementary school too seriously and think conspiracies are the truth? Good. Don’t get the vax, but in return for forgoing it, you need to sign a document declining medical care once you become sick. So sure that COVID is a hoax? Put your money where your coughing mouth is.

In a way, it’s a win-win for all of us. You get to take a stand against whatever it is you’re taking a stand against — science? logic? compassion? common sense? — and we reasonable folks get to live on with less competition for natural resources. As one of my best friends calls it: “thinning out the herd.” Please, be our guest. I’ll draw up the paperwork.

Maybe it appears that I am wishing death upon my fellow Americans. It may seem that way, but I’m not doing anything that rogue cops aren’t doing constantly to Black citizens or to what the Republican party isn’t doing every minute to all of us by espousing the Big Lie, that somehow President Joe Biden (President Joe Biden) stole the election from TFG. It’s stunning to think that there are millions of people out there — some of them honest people, some of them in my family — who believe not only the Big Lie but that the vaccine is somehow dangerous. Wow, you feel bad for a day or two afterward. Must be a government ploy to poison you because you’re so important. Can you say “snowflake”? I knew ya could.

There’s an old saying that you can’t live someone else’s life for them. In this case, we reasonable folks are doing all we can to ensure our — let’s say “special” — loved ones get the vax. There comes a point when you need to cut the cord. This is where I am now.

There’s another old saying I have at the ready. It says that your right to swing your fist ends at my nose, and by not getting vaccinated, like a normal, reasonable person, you jerks are setting us months if not years back from achieving herd immunity. Funny, but weren’t you right-wingers preaching herd immunity a few months ago? Why is it that you same people are trying to avoid achieving your goal? Hmm. I wonder. Could it have anything to do with TFG’s resounding defeat at the polls? Guess we’ll never know. — Anthony Mariani


The Weekly welcomes submissions of all political persuasions. Your submissions will be edited for factuality and concision. Please email Editor Anthony Mariani at [email protected].