SATIRE: UNC Charlotte uses science, logic to combat COVID-19 | Opinion
Author’s note: This is a satire article and does not include accurate information concerning COVID-19. For up-to-date information, visit the Center for Disease Control’s website or check out the Niner Times’ more factual reporting.
Unprecedented, uncertain: Both novel words to describe the novel coronavirus. The past year has been a confusing time for all of us, but at least UNC Charlotte has made each decision with nothing but science in consideration. As we move closer to herd immunity and the end of the school year, let’s review some of the policies that have saved us all.
Hallway arrows
Enter most UNC Charlotte buildings, and you will find arrows on the floor indicating which direction you should walk. They follow a complex epidemiological concept called “walk on the right.” This concept stems from the 100{13aab5633489a05526ae1065595c074aeca3e93df6390063fabaebff206207ec} scientific fact that COVID-19 aerosol transmission only occurs in one direction. This way, when you pass another person in the hallway, you can ensure that you will come face-to-face with each other, and your respective aerosols will collide, effectively canceling each other out.
Gym dress codes
Experts generally agree that one of the most effective ways to stop the transmission of coronaviruses is through policing women’s bodies. In the fall semester, University Recreation did just that. We all know that gyms can be risky places, what with everyone breathing heavily. Fortunately, a gym employee kindly explained to the Niner Times, the gym prohibited patrons from exposing their midriffs and thighs—both parts of the body implicated in this respiratory disease. This policy is made all the more prudent in that it largely targets women, and the Y chromosome is known to suppress contagion.
Off-campus apartment protocols
We couldn’t write this article without acknowledging the creative solutions that off-campus apartments have devised for a very dangerous activity: picking up packages. In particular, RUSH used science-backed approaches to determine that packages should only be retrieved in 15-minute windows three times a day. This time crunch ensures that the maximum number of anti-maskers will be gathered together in the lobby—the “herd” component to achieving herd immunity. This logic derives from studies that found that exposing yourself to a frat boy for five minutes is about as effective as certain vaccines.
The Niner Health Check
But ultimately, it was the Niner Health Check that saved us all. The translucent glow of your phone lighting up at 4 a.m.—the “Niner Health Check Daily Screening” coyly asking “u up?”—was not only a crucial reminder that you should, in fact, NOT go to campus if you have tested positive for COVID-19 but a welcome source of virtual friendship. Goodbye UNC Charlotte bookstore emails; it’s the Niner Health Check staving off the loneliness now.
In the end, the heroes aren’t just the medical doctors, essential workers, or epidemiologists; they are the Noble Niners who came together to walk on the right side of the hallway and not expose their midriffs in the gym.
(But seriously, y’all—this deadly pandemic is still not over, so let’s take our laughs and cover them with masks. Follow CDC guidelines, keep social distancing and get da vax!)